The moment God whispers : “you can do it”, the BOX often screams back : “You’re not enough!” The box represents anything in your life that has the potential to restrict you from your God given purpose. It represents the thing that places the handcuffs on your mind and prevents you from moving. The two boxes that have tried to cripple my completion and suffocate my success were : 1) the BOX of poisonous cycles and 2) the BOX of broken identity.
You may wonder how a cycle can become poisonous. The answer is simple: Anytime you know something is there but you refuse to confront it, it becomes poisonous. It’s like knowing that you are sick and never going to the doctor. This happened to me.
I had always been handled a certain way as a child and I was used to protecting myself. I did not know what a “safe” place felt like. I grew up a product of divorced parents with an invisible shield around me and I was determined to not let another ounce of hurt and pain enter my life starting around age 8. The shield began to grow layers and eventually I would end up in the same situation time after time creating a cycled question of:
“How did I end up here?”
Here was the place of depression after I tried to convince God that my way was better than His(Epic.. I repeat epic fail). You see, I knew there was a barrier preventing me from loving and receiving, but I wasn’t sure how to remove it. It’s like I knew the disease that caused the pain, but I was scared to say its name. I had become comfortable behind my self-created shield, so much so that I was convinced that this is where I belonged.
For many years, I refused to acknowledge the pain of divorced parents, the abandonment from being relocated to another country, and the projection of blame I placed on other people. My poisonous cycle was the invisible shield I produced by the hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness that I refused to deal with until I literally came to the point where what I would not deal with, dealt….with…me. For a long time I was only attracted to what would pacify my pain and not prepare me for treatment. I had to accept the people who came as the rubbing alcohol after a wound and identify those who just wanted to offer me a band aid. The TRUTH is sometimes I wanted a band aid. And sometimes I took the band aid – and that lead to all types of infection (emotional abuse, double mindedness, low self-esteem and much more) ! As people, we want comfort when God is saying COME OUT! Eventually, I made up in my mind I was going to go against what was going against me. I decided to climb out of repetitive failed relationships; I decided to climb out of holding people accountable for a hurt they never caused.
The agenda of the enemy is to always convince you to STAY in the box that God is calling you to STEP out of.
Each time a piece of the shield broke, God reminded me to breathe even when I thought I was having a breakdown. Breaking cycles hurts. It will force you to look yourself in the mirror and not be afraid to confront your reality. Confrontation is never comfortable, neither is climbing out.
The box of poisonous cycles led me to the box of broken identity--not knowing who I was. I let the painful experiences name me. I started answering to my dysfunction and not my destiny. I was confused as to what God called me and what I called myself. I began to search for my identity in unfruitful business/ministry/and personal relationships, lustful passions, and educational desires. I went for anything that would give me the satisfaction of making me feel like I was good enough, like I accomplished something, like I had a reason to be alive. I struggled with not feeling like I belonged time after time, that I began to chase what gave me the sense of belonging- at any cost.
I had to climb out step by step holding on to God’s mirror and not my broken make-up. Before I realized who God made me, I unfortunately had to encounter who God did not make me. Before I discovered that I was beautiful and wonderfully made, I had to first endure a season of feeling like I was a mistake. I had begun to live under a false identity – trying to be something I knew I wasn’t. I was trying to convince myself that I had to be a certain way to fulfill my purpose. Until I got tired, tired of pretending. Pretending everything was okay. The broken identify was because of the shield and the shield tried to convince me I didn’t have to heal. That I could live, survive, and flourish in this box. I literally told God I don’t want to be a great pretender anymore. I l had to let go of everything and everyone that was aligned with my broken identify and not my true identity. You’ll always know you’re dealing with a broken identity when you can’t look yourself in the mirror and boldly declare who you are. You must not let people define you. You must let pain define you. You must not let what happened define you. But you must answer to who God calls you and what His word says you are. I climbed out of poisonous cycles and broken identify and I now actively pursue healthy connections and confident purpose.
I stand in agreement with every climber that is trying to climb out of the BOX that they have put themselves in or allowed the enemy to put them in. I pray that wisdom, peace, and strength over take them to know that each step they take to climb out IS WORTH IT. Some steps may take longer than others and if you’re like me, you may have to repeat some steps more than once. But in the end, each step you take is one step closer to destiny. Don’t be afraid to CLIMB OUT! You may fall. You may get stuck. I did, but guess what? I kept going and you can too! Take one step at a time… and climb out ;)
Psalm 16:9 : “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”